Hey kids,
it’s 2026, jan 19th, i just got back from a snowboarding trip to hakuba with daniel, dan, and patrick. it was a pleasant trip, got some good turns in and explored the mountains. it made me realize that I could live in the snow for the rest of my life. hopefully whenever i retire and settle down i can find a nice little cozy town to open the roastery and make a nice cabin studio space. let’s see if i can make that happen.
back to the point of writing this though, i wanted to put to paper what the radio show talked about before the new year. about to talk about suicidal ideations and stuff so if you don’t want to get bothered by that then read this later.
regarding my tbi it sucks because i’m technically not the same person from before. i used to be more adventurous, but now i’m somewhat sedentary. i can’t go out into the city as much, i can’t go out for an outing longer than 5 hours, which is mostly spent on the train so that means i get like 2 hours to do something. i can’t handle last minute changes as much, i need time to process the change, to get comfortable with it. so traveling requires more vacation days because i need to unwind at the end.
this lack of adaptability is a great source of frustration, a point of contention because i want to go experience the rest of the world but i have a dog that requires my care, and i can’t be as mobile.
the thing is that physiologically i’m now prone to more deppression and suicidal ideations. it’s not a matter of life, it’s just my body that is prone to this. the suicidal ideations even though things are alot better than back in may of 2025, what alot of people don’t realize is that the threat of suicide is not gone. it’s always there like an ankle that was injured long ago and it can flare up pretty bad if things like anxiety and my emotinos aren’t regulated and managed.
which brings me to people who reached out to me after i posted the radio show bit regarding the suicidal ideations. many people had a good source of intent when they reached out, but i think the lack of unerstanding what causes SI made me feel even more isolated.
words like “you matter” or “you mean something to alot of people” do kinda the opposite effect. I don’t want to “leave” because no one cares, but it’s because i feel trapped by the anxiety and feel no control over my life. with the estrangement of my father, the loss of my significant other and her family’s support, i feel helpless when life hits me with a lot of stress. So when those words come across it can kinda convey “don’t be selfish. just handle it.” i know that’s not what people actually think. however thats what i felt when i read the words.
it also can kinda seem shallow when you haven’t spoken to people in awhile. if you know someone who feels that way, instead of making some grand stand, just send a message to check in, give them a call to chat, show them with action that they mean something to you by sharing time. smaller consistent things add up, but that’s also my personal thought, maybe its different with others, so maybe just ask “hey man, any way i can be there for you?”
these emotions are complex, so being straightforward is important i think. i don’t have the capacity to lie, i don’t have the capacity to hold back if something bothers me, i don’t have the time nor the energy to be fake. now all that being said, it doesn’t give me an excuse to be a rude cunt and act out of emotion. i still have to approach situations as an adult and settle things honestly.
recently a friend made a joke that kinda rubbed me the wrong way. i’ll explain the situation.
i was making a joke about how women come with this thing called a “fry tax” where even though they could order their own fries they don’t and take a couple of yours. it’s been a long running joke for awhile. so i saw a leech dressed up in a pretty bow and said “fry tax” to make a stupid joke, which was replied with
“this is why you’re single :)” but looking back i can see how the leech comparison would upset someone and cause a reaction.
but i won’t lie, their words kinda cut deep and made me upset. now i didn’t call them anything i just laid out my feelings and said that my isolation and dog are things that i seem to be sensitive about, i know they didn’t mean to upset me, so i just laid the boundary and stayed transparent.
now the vibe is a little weird but that’ll pass with time.
personal emotions and medical conditions aside, i have a couple creative goals this year. i don’t want to share about them with everyone. i just want to work at it as best as possible and see if i can make it happen while making the move to my next assignment.
oh i am going to germany next by the way! 3 years in europe, we’ll see if we make it 6 years.
looking to find a home in the wine country with a yard for mocha. a large living space to have a couple jam sessions and host people to be creative or record music. i want to travel but do longer stints in creative places that inspired my influences.
hopefully the new fujifilm x100vi and the ricoh can be paired to make perpetual vol 2.
i’ll be missing japan but i hope to enjoy and capture the moments before i end my decade of japan. i’m truly blessed to have enjoyed my time here, meeting so many wonderful people who mean alot to me, experiencing so much to help me grow as a professional, creative, and more importantly a decent human being.
thanks for taking the time to read my wandering thoughts. check in when the radio show comes out!